guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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