Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
