my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
