WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend