I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
