Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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