I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
