Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
