I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
