You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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