In the future we'll all be gay
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
