i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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