Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
