Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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