I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
