Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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