He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
