when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
