I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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