I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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