Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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