I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
