I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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