sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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