Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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