i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
