I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
