why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
