Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
