Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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