Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
