have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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