I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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