just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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