The maid of honor just puked.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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