Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
