so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
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I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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