One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
