Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
