seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ketchup is God's man juice
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
