Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
