Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
