so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
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Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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