If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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