my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
