Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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