where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
