Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
