my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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