I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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