she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
