Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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