My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She bit a glass in half.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
