you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
