dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
