SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
